Nothing is Personal: A Nervous System Perspective

One of the most liberating truths I’ve come to know, both in my own healing and in the work I do is this: Nothing is personal.

That doesn’t mean we don’t feel hurt. Or confused. Or caught off guard by someone’s words or behaviors.

But when we can see their reaction as a reflection of their own nervous system rather than a reflection of our worth, we shift out of reactivity and into deeper self-trust. We soften the sting of the moment. And we create space for a different kind of response: one rooted in compassion, boundaries, and nervous system awareness.

This blog post is a polyvagal perspective on one of my favorite spiritual teachings: the Second Agreement from Don Miguel Ruiz’s The Four Agreements, which is “don’t take anything personally.” This isn’t just a spiritual truth, it’s a physiological one. Through the lens of Polyvagal Theory, I’ll show you why this teaching holds up in the nervous system and how it can become not just an inspiring idea, but a daily, embodied practice.

Our nervous systems are doing the best they can with the information they have

Polyvagal Theory teaches us that our autonomic nervous system is constantly scanning our environment for cues of safety or danger. This happens beneath the level of conscious thought. If our nervous system detects a threat whether real or perceived, it kicks into a protective state: fight, flight, freeze, fawn, shut down, etc.

And here’s what’s important to understand…
The nervous system is not always accurate. It responds to patterns. To past experiences. To conditioning. To what it’s learned might be dangerous (especially in relationships). So, when someone reacts strongly or seems emotionally dysregulated, it’s never about you. It’s about what you represent in that moment: an unmet need, an old wound, a past hurt their body hasn’t had the chance to fully heal from.

Their reaction is their nervous system trying to survive.

And when we can see that, when we can really get it… it becomes a little easier to exhale, pause, and not take it so personally.

You can be liberated by this!

This is what Don Miguel Ruiz was pointing to in the Second Agreement: Don’t take anything personally. Because the way someone treats you, speaks to you, or responds to you is a reflection of their internal world, not a judgment on yours.

This doesn’t mean we don’t get triggered.
This doesn’t mean we don’t have boundaries.
This doesn’t mean we tolerate harmful behavior.

It means we can start to meet those moments with less defensiveness and more discernment. We can stop absorbing other people’s dysregulation and projecting meaning onto it that was never ours to hold.

We get to witness the reaction, name how it impacts us, and stay grounded in our truth without carrying what isn’t ours.

That’s what nervous system freedom looks like.

Choosing co-regulation over escalation

When we personalize someone else’s big reaction, our own nervous system tends to follow. We get activated. Defensive. Shut down. Hurt. And now, two dysregulated systems are in a standoff, both trying to feel safe, neither feeling seen.

But when we pause and remember: This isn’t about me, something powerful happens.

We create just enough space between stimulus and response to stay grounded. We can offer co-regulation (if it feels safe to do so). We can meet escalation with steadiness. We can embody the kind of presence that helps both nervous systems feel safer, without abandoning ourselves.

That’s not easy. And it’s not always possible. But even remembering that we have this option can be enough to shift the trajectory of a conversation or a relationship.

Boundaries, accountability + the other side of grace

Let’s be clear: compassion isn’t the same as self-sacrifice.

Understanding someone’s nervous system doesn’t mean we become responsible for it.

Yes, we can offer support.
Yes, we can hold space.
Yes, we can choose curiosity over conflict.

But only if it’s safe to do so.

Everyone is responsible for their own regulation. For learning their patterns. For recognizing that their triggers stem from their past, and that it’s their work, not yours, to make sense of them.

If someone is not actively doing that work; if they’re unwilling to reflect, repair, or hold themselves accountable for the impact of their reactions, then it’s okay to take space. It’s okay to protect your peace. It’s okay to say: I see that you’re hurting, and I also see that I’m not safe here.

We can offer grace without staying in proximity to dysregulation.
We can care deeply and walk away when needed.
That’s not cold. That’s nervous system stewardship. And that’s healing.

The power of repair

Just because we don’t take things personally doesn’t mean we don’t value repair.

In fact, repair is one of the most regulating things we can experience in a relationship. It’s where trust is rebuilt. It’s where nervous systems learn that conflict doesn’t mean collapse, and disconnection doesn’t mean danger.

Repair is how we return to each other. And to ourselves.

But repair can only happen when both people are willing to own their impact and regulate their own internal world. When that’s present, magic happens. Relationships deepen. Safety grows. And nervous systems begin to relax into a sense of real, earned trust.

Nothing is personal. Everything is opportunity.

The next time someone’s reaction feels confusing, sharp, or just off… try to pause.

Take a breath.
Place a hand on your heart.
And gently remind yourself: This might not be about me.

From there, you can choose your next move. With clarity. With care. And with full ownership of your nervous system, rather than being swept up in someone else’s.

This is how we create change.
This is how we stop the cycle.
This is how we show up differently in our relationships, our families, our work, and our world.

Nothing is personal.
And that’s what makes everything possible. <3

Further Reading

If this post resonated with you and you want to dive deeper into these concepts, here are a few books I love:

The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz

The Fifth Agreement by Don Miguel Ruiz & Don Jose Ruiz

Anchored: How to Befriend Your Nervous System Using Polyvagal Theory by Deb Dana

Polyvagal Exercises for Safety and Connection by Deb Dana

Read what calls to you, skip what doesn’t, and remember: the way back to yourself is already inside you.

Thanks for reading. I hope this reminder brings softness to your day and strength to your nervous system.

With compassion,

Sam

About the Author

Samantha Grimaldi, MS, LPC, is a licensed therapist and the owner of CoCreate Healing Center in Tinton Falls, NJ. With a focus on trauma recovery, Samantha specializes in working with complex trauma and interpersonal trauma using Polyvagal Theory, Mindful Self-Compassion, and trauma-informed care. Through her practice, she helps clients reconnect with their bodies, regulate their nervous systems, and build emotional resilience. Samantha is passionate about supporting others on their healing journey and providing a safe, collaborative space for growth and transformation.