Understanding Domestic Violence and Breaking the Cycle
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, an opportunity to shed light on the pervasive impact of abuse and focus on ways to break the cycle for good. Domestic violence affects not only the physical safety of survivors but also their mental and emotional health. For many, the trauma of abuse leads to anxiety, depression, PTSD, or CPTSD. It’s important to understand that domestic violence isn’t just about physical harm, it often involves emotional manipulation, financial control, and psychological abuse. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward breaking the cycle and moving towards healing.
What Is Domestic Violence?
Domestic violence is often misunderstood as only physical abuse, but it involves many more subtle forms of control and manipulation. This type of interpersonal trauma can manifest through emotional abuse, threats, isolation, financial control, and intimidation. The Power and Control Wheel (pictured above) helps illustrate how abusers use these tactics to dominate their partners, trapping them in a cycle of fear and control. Survivors often experience deep psychological effects, questioning their self-worth, doubting their decisions, and feeling unable to escape.
Power and Control Wheel Categories:
Coercion and Threats: This involves making threats to keep control. It could be threats to hurt the victim, leave them, harm themselves, or take away something important to the victim. The abuser might force the victim into doing things they don’t want to do or threaten to report them to authorities as a form of manipulation.
Intimidation: Intimidation is used to instill fear. This could be through looks, gestures, smashing things, or even destroying property. Sometimes, it involves showing weapons. The goal is to keep the victim scared and submissive.
Emotional Abuse: Emotional abuse is about breaking down the individual's sense of self. This can look like constant insults, making the individual feel guilty for things that aren’t their fault, or playing mind games that leave them questioning their worth and sanity.
Isolation: Isolation is when the abuser cuts the victim off from their support systems. They control who the victim sees, what they do, and where they go. The abuser might justify it by claiming they’re jealous or “protective,” but really it’s about keeping the victim dependent and alone.
Minimizing, Denying, and Blaming: This happens when the abuser tries to downplay the abuse or act like it didn’t happen. Sometimes they make the victim feel responsible for the abuse, saying things like, “If you hadn’t done that, I wouldn’t have reacted this way.”
Using Children: Involving children in the abuse is another way to control the victim. This might mean making the victim feel guilty through the children, using them to pass messages, or threatening to take them away. It’s an incredibly manipulative tactic that adds another layer of fear and helplessness.
Male Privilege: Male privilege shows up when the abuser takes on a superior role, acting like the “boss” or “master” of the relationship. The victim is expected to serve, and the abuser makes all the decisions, controlling every aspect of the household without any input from the victim.
Economic Abuse: Economic abuse happens when the abuser takes control of the victim’s ability to manage their finances. They might prevent the victim from working, withhold money, or control all financial decisions, making it nearly impossible for the victim to leave or gain independence.
Many survivors develop trauma responses, including hypervigilance, difficulty trusting others, or feeling disconnected from themselves. They may also experience anxiety, depression, or symptoms of PTSD and CPTSD long after the abuse has ended. The emotional scars left by domestic violence are often hidden but can run deep, affecting how survivors interact with others and how they see themselves in the world.
In addition to hypervigilance and withdrawal, survivors may also experience ‘attach’ and ‘submit’ trauma responses, as described by Janina Fisher. These responses involve a deep, unconscious need to remain attached to the abuser for survival, even when it perpetuates the cycle of harm. The brain and body may respond by submitting to the abuser in an attempt to reduce conflict or maintain a connection, even at great personal cost. This can make it incredibly difficult for survivors to leave or even recognize the full extent of the abuse. The trauma responses can distort reality, creating confusion and a sense of dependency that complicates the ability to break free and build a safer life.
Breaking the Cycle of Abuse
Breaking the cycle of domestic violence starts with recognizing the warning signs and understanding that abuse is never the fault of the survivor. Some common red flags include:
Isolation from friends, family, or support networks
Financial control, where the abuser limits the survivor's access to money or employment
Constant belittling, emotional manipulation, or gaslighting
Threats of harm, destruction of property, or using children & pets as a tool of control
These behaviors create an environment of fear and confusion, keeping survivors in a constant state of fight-or-flight. Over time, survivors may begin to internalize the abuse, believing they deserve it or that they cannot escape. However, with the right support, survivors can break free from this cycle and begin the healing process.
The Path to Healing
For survivors of domestic violence, the healing journey often begins with ensuring their immediate safety. Accessing safety resources like shelters, hotlines, and safety planning services is a crucial first step in leaving abusive environments and protecting themselves from further harm. Once survivors are in a safer place, the next step is addressing the deeper emotional and psychological wounds caused by abuse.
Therapy plays a critical role in this process. Trauma-informed therapy can help survivors reconnect with their bodies, process their trauma, and rebuild their sense of safety. For survivors dealing with intense trauma responses, therapies like Polyvagal Theory, EMDR, and Brainspotting provide deeper ways to process the lasting impacts of trauma, helping survivors navigate anxiety, depression, PTSD, and CPTSD. These therapeutic approaches offer tools to cope with the emotional aftermath of abuse and restore a sense of safety and control.
Healing takes time, but it is possible. Survivors can rebuild their self-esteem, reclaim their independence, and start forming healthier relationships. Therapy provides a safe, supportive space to unpack the trauma and begin to understand the complex emotions tied to abuse. Survivors often learn that they are not alone in their experiences and that their feelings of fear, shame, or guilt are common reactions to the trauma they’ve endured.
Building Healthy Relationships
Part of breaking the cycle of domestic violence is learning what a healthy relationship looks like. The Equality Wheel (pictured above) offers a guide to understanding the elements of respectful, balanced relationships. In a healthy relationship, both partners share mutual respect, trust, and safety. They communicate openly and honestly, acknowledging each other’s feelings without manipulation or control.
Equality Wheel Categories:
Non-Threatening Behavior: In a healthy relationship, both partners should feel safe. Non-threatening behavior means your partner talks and acts in ways that make you feel comfortable to express yourself without worrying about fear or retaliation. Safety is foundational.
Respect: Respect is the core of any healthy relationship. It looks like listening to each other, valuing each other’s opinions, and affirming that both partners have a right to their feelings and thoughts. Respect also means supporting each other’s autonomy.
Trust and Support: Trust and support are about encouraging each other’s goals and respecting each other’s choices. You should feel confident that your partner has your back, supports your dreams, and respects your space, whether it's friendships, hobbies, or activities outside the relationship.
Honesty and Accountability: Honesty and accountability mean owning up to mistakes and being truthful. In a healthy relationship, both partners communicate openly and take responsibility for their actions. It’s about being transparent and working together to solve issues rather than placing blame or hiding the truth.
Responsible Parenting: When kids are involved, both parents share the responsibilities. It’s not about one person carrying the load, but working together to provide a supportive, non-violent environment for the children. Responsible parenting is about modeling a positive, healthy relationship for them.
Shared Responsibility: In a healthy relationship, both partners are equally responsible for making decisions and taking care of things. Whether it’s household tasks or big life choices, shared responsibility means you’re in it together, and both voices matter.
Economic Partnership: Economic partnership is about both partners having a say in financial decisions. It’s a balanced approach where both people contribute and benefit from the financial arrangement. Each partner should feel empowered to access money and make decisions about their financial well-being.
Negotiation and Fairness: Negotiation and fairness are essential in resolving conflicts. It’s about coming to decisions that respect both partners' needs and being willing to compromise when necessary. Both people should feel heard, and solutions should feel fair to everyone involved.
Safety is the foundation of any healthy relationship, both emotionally and physically. In a truly healthy dynamic, both partners feel secure expressing their needs, knowing there won’t be retaliation or judgment. Trust and honesty are the cornerstones that reinforce this safety. Healthy partners communicate openly, admit their mistakes, and work together to resolve conflicts without blame or fear. Respect is equally essential, as it honors each person’s boundaries, values, and autonomy, ensuring both partners feel valued and free to be themselves.
Building healthy relationships is a critical step in healing from abuse. Survivors may need to relearn what healthy dynamics look and feel like, and therapy can help with this. Setting boundaries, fostering self-compassion, and choosing partners who support their well-being are all part of the healing process.
Resources for Help
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, there are resources available to provide support and guidance. The National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE), RAINN (1-800-656-HOPE), and Safe Horizon can offer immediate help. These organizations can assist with safety planning, legal advice, and emotional support.
For those dealing with CPTSD and trauma, the CPTSD Foundation offers support groups and resources to help survivors work through the lingering effects of trauma. Therapy, combined with community support, can be a lifeline for those seeking to break free from abuse and rebuild their lives.
Conclusion
Breaking the cycle of domestic violence is not easy, but it is possible. With the right support, survivors can move from a place of fear and control to one of safety and empowerment. By understanding the dynamics of abuse, seeking help, and embracing the healing process, survivors can reclaim their lives and build healthy, fulfilling relationships. Healing is a journey, but every step forward is a powerful act of reclaiming control and moving towards a safer, brighter future.
About the Author
Samantha Grimaldi, MS, LPC, is a licensed therapist and the owner of CoCreate Healing Center in Tinton Falls, NJ. With a focus on trauma recovery, Samantha specializes in working with complex trauma and interpersonal trauma using Polyvagal Theory, Mindful Self-Compassion, and trauma-informed care. Through her practice, she helps clients reconnect with their bodies, regulate their nervous systems, and build emotional resilience. Samantha is passionate about supporting others on their healing journey and providing a safe, collaborative space for growth and transformation.
